Defining Friendship

Defining Friendship

By Catherine Mattingly, English Teacher (1983-2010)

Twenty years ago, Sister Mary Berchmans joined me at the lunch table and asked how my master's program was evolving. I bemoaned the fact that three proposals for my thesis had not found a taker in Georgetown's English department (I was eager to explore Flannery O'Connor, Walker Percy, or C.S. Lewis, but no professor shared my enthusiasm). At this point, Sister mentioned that Cicero's essay "On Friendship" had always intrigued students in her Latin classes. I promised Sister I'd give it some thought.

That thought led to my master's thesis: Friendship, as defined by philosophers and revealed in fiction, with Cicero joining an illustrious group of original thinkers, including Plato and Aristotle, C.S. Lewis and Francis de Sales. The philosophers all agreed on the key components of friendship: maturity, mutuality, goodness, and choice.

With that in mind, I thought I'd share some of the philosophers' words on those four components. First, maturity. Lewis in "The Four Loves" states that "Friendship is a relationship between individuals at their highest level of individuality," and Cicero (in that essay suggested by Sister) wrote, "Friendship is never born in weakness. It demands maturity when character and growth are strong.

And on mutuality, Francis de Sales wrote, "Friendship is always mutual, reciprocal. One can love without being loved. That may be love, but never friendship." And several philosophers, including Lewis, Aristotle and Montaigne, said that there is no such thing as friendship between parent and child. Friendship is always between equals. The relationship between a parent and child precludes full and honest discourse. Lovers who are no longer lovers can remain friends if their characters are similar, and familiarity has taught them to love each other's character.

On goodness: Plato in the "Symposium," wrote, "Perfect friendship is possible only between virtuous people or those capable of loving the good. In friendship, we transcend ourselves. And Aristotle, in the "Nicomachean Ethics," wrote, "The desire for friendship can arise in a minute, but not friendship itself. It requires time and familiarity and proves loveable and trustworthy only over time."

On choice: Plato in "Lysis," wrote, "Friendship is not a state of being but a state of becoming; we must choose friendship; it's never thrust upon us." And C.S. Lewis believed in the joy of drawing apart from the herd, of seeing the individual, the uniqueness in another.

And I thought I would end with a quote from Lewis's "Four Loves," which captures friendship for me:

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself (for God did not need to create). It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival….Life—natural life—has no better gift to give."

And, once, again, I find myself thanking Sister, to whom I did dedicate my master's thesis.

Carrying Christ

(by Ruth Mary Fox)

Into the hillside country

Mary went, carrying Christ,

And all along the road

The Christ she carried

Generously Bestowed His grace

On those she met.

I pray that I may carry Christ,

For it may be

That some would never know of Him

Except through me.